The Science of Green Parenting

May 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment
My Green Act, Ginger Garner blog

Every Day is Earth Day
My youngest son helping me plant our organic garden

The Science of Green Parenting

Green parenting can go a long way toward improving the health of America’s mothers, families, children, and of the entire planet.  I encourage all parents to reduce, reuse, and recycle (The 3-R’s) when they can.

Simple strategies include ridding the home of unnecessary chemicals like cleaners, pesticides in the yard and garden like weed killers and fertilizers, adopting a “No Shoes” policy in your house, avoiding use of all plastics, and using cloth napkins and cloth diapering (and wipes) systems whenever possible.  Lastly, we make a point to grow our own organic food (we have limited space but make great use of a small raised box and container gardening) when we can and when we can’t – we shop local, organic, and stick to a mostly plant based diet. My own family has adopted all of these 3-R policies, and we are healthier and happier for it. 

Do you have helpful tips to add? Have I left anything out? Please leave a comment, I love to get feedback!

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Americans Die Younger: US Ranks Low in World Health Report

February 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

obesity_epidemic_america

Americans Die Younger:  US Ranks Low in World Health Report 

A report published last month by the Institute of Medicine entitled, U.S. Health in International Perspective: Shorter Lives, Poorer Health, was released on January 9, 2013.  

CNN originally covered the  Institute’s release of the report, and now the nutrition industry is chiming in, “The first obvious issue that arises from this report is that the “health care” system in America is a misnomer. We don’t provide health care, we provide sick care. Many of the common diseases that lead to our mortality rates being high are directly linked to what we affectionately call “high-risk behaviors.” 

Read the full article - “U.S. sicker than rest of developed world—nutrition industry speaks out”

Here is an excerpt:

A new report released last month found that Americans are unhealthier than 16 other developed countries.

The report, which was compiled by the National Research Council and the Institutes of Medicine, found that, despite the fact that Americans spend the most money per year on health care, we’re not healthier or living longer than other countries.

Several factors contribute to U.S. debility, such as a large uninsured population, high consumption of calories, high drug abuse, less use of seatbelts, high levels of poverty, high reliance on cars and low physical activity. No single factor explains the overall status of American health.

Of the health areas studied, Americans ranked worse than other countries in nine categories, including, among others, drug abuse, heart disease, obesity and diabetes, and lung disease.

The study found that U.S. men live the shortest lives of all 16 countries at 76 years, and U.S. women ranked second-to-last at just under 81 years. Americans are more likely to die younger because of illnesses like obesity and heart disease.

“I don’t think most parents know that, on average, infants, children, and adolescents in the U.S. die younger and have greater rates of illness and injury than youth in other countries,” said Dr. Steven Woolf, chair of the panel and of the department of family medicine at Virginia Commonwealth University, according to NBC News.

There are many reasons why Americans are dying younger and the US ranks low in world health reports.  The consequences are real and personal though.

We lose our loved ones, they lose their health and vitality, and we spend massive amounts of money and time on “sick care” instead of being able to enjoy our lives and spend our money on other things – like stress relieving vacations, for example.  We need not drive our own country to extinction – simply from choosing high risk behaviors like smoking, eating processed food, and spending too much time on our backsides.

The most important reality though, is we need to be healthier if not for ourselves, for our families, our children, and the very security of the Nation we love and vehemently defend. Here are some ways you can protect your family

 

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My Greatest Guru

June 3, 2012 By 2 Comments

March 26, 2009 – Today, I was hurrying Michael (my 3 year old) into his car seat knowing both he and his brother William (18 months old), were on the cusp of a “I’m-hungry-please-feed-me-now-and-I’m-sleepy-too-melt-down.” I knew I didn’t have long to get them home, fed, and down to naptime before one or both of them imploded.

I put them in the car, buckled in William, told Michael to do the same, and then I got in the front seat, buckled in, started the car, arranged all the items and bags, when Michael asked for “hep”. I got out and groaned – “jeez, Michael, let’s go…”. “Focus”, and I pointed to my eyes, “focus Michael!”

Just then he looked up at me, the reflection in his eyes so innocent and with such a clarity that struck my soul and put everything around me in slow motion….then, without any strife or reaction to my actions, he tried to put his little fingers into a sign. He looked at them for a second, and knitted his toddler brow as if to say – “please help me express myself.” Once he got his fingers to cooperate he looked into my brown eyes with his big, clear, innocent, brown eyes and signed, “I love you.”

The whole word melted like snow – and all my superficial concerns with it. I just stared at my son’s tiny hand, signing “I love you”, and I was amazed and humbled. How could a three year old, my son, have such wisdom and a peace that passes all understanding – in the midst of a stressful moment for him, with his limited ability to speak and express himself; especially when all he knows in this world, his own mother, was being impatient and short with him?

Again he signed “ I love you,” and then the entire world fell silent as I formed the same sign with my hand and carefully matched my fingers up to his. He loves when I do that – and then he smiled his huge, “Michael smile.” He gave me a kiss and a hug and said in his labored vocabulary learned from  months of speech therapy, “yes, kisses and hugs for mommy.” I received 7 kisses.

As I got back into the front seat and backed out of the parking lot to take them home for their lunch and nap, I realized who my greatest yoga guru was…

Although the entire “lesson” transpired in just a minute or two his loving action took no longer than my rough, impatient action. Mere minutes, we should remind ourselves, make all the difference in the world.  Of all the lessons in the world we can learn, learning how to love unconditionally may just be the most important.

Today I learned a lesson in unconditional love, one of remaining undeterred by external circumstances; to love even when it is difficult.

Yes, there are a few Truths in life, and one of them Mother Teresa wrote of, “If you want world peace, go home and love your family.” If I am at all successful in a meaningful, eternal way (not worldly) in my dharma, it is because of my greatest guru: my children.

*photos are of Michael doing his own practice
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A Letter to My Children: Wisdom in Parenting

May 10, 2012 By 4 Comments

Meet My Children: Michael, William, and James

A Letter to My Children: Wisdom in Parenting

The National Association of Mothers’ Centers asked me to write a letter to my children in recognition of Mother’s Day, as a way to impart to the world what wisdom I would like to pass on to them.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written, by far, especially since it is only 650 words or so.

This letter to my children is a letter to all children -  in hopes that it can help parents everywhere pass on wisdom they embody to realize a more peaceful and compassionate world.

Dear Michael, William, and James,

If I pass any wisdom to you, I want it to be love. I love you greatly and pray, that in being loved immeasurably, you will love greatly too. Love will help you endure all kinds of loss. But know the spirit can never be lost. Faith in this hope will never betray you.

Death should be no more traumatic than taking off an old coat.
~ Bhagavad Gita

Owning a steady inner peace is not easy, but is worth tirelessly pursuing. Its pursuit is symbiotic with pursuit of the Greater Good, something bigger than your own desires. However,never mistake age for wisdom. I have in others, and ended up being belittled and my spirit left broken and diminished. A true mentor, no matter what their age, will make you feel that you can become great too.

Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.
~ Mark Twain

Realizing your dreams depends on that feeling of satisfaction inner peace brings when you realize you are doing what you are destined for. Many wise men and women have spoken of this idea, but before it can be realized, a few things must happen.

First, fight against inequities that oppress others, especially mothers, since they nurture the future of our great country. If you do not have a passion to fight for their rights, then you do not value your own.

Second, celebrate the beauty in diversity. Men and women are all created equal. Respect the differences in each other that give us the passion and creativity to give birth to new life, on all levels.

Love each other deeply… offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
~ St. Peter

Third, protect Mother Earth. Native American Cherokee blood runs in your veins, and the neighboring Iroquois Nation law says, “whatever we do in our deliberations we must consider the effect it will have on the next seven generations.”

Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the tenets of an incorruptible moral foundation. If you evaluate your actions based on these qualities, you will never be led astray. Doing this will lead you down the road less traveled. Do not fear this path.

Speaking out for and doing what is right on this earth is never easy, and oftentimes, not popular. Pursue your passion with integrity, and remember no success can compensate for failure in the home.

Treat all God’s creatures, friend and foe, as fragile and delicate, because that is what we are. Physically, take care of body, mind, and spirit. Their strength is intertwined. Emotionally, cast aside the folly of peer pressure.

Wisdom sometimes also means knowing what to ignore.
~ William James

Intellectually, embody the humility of a perpetual student, found in all great leaders because they are always open to the better way. Relationally, you do not always have to “fix” problems. Speak less. Listen more.

He who hears not the music thinks the dancer mad.
~ African proverb

Energetically, you are responsible for the energy you bring into a room. Choose to bring the spirit of nonviolence into your surroundings, wherever you are. Spiritually, you will meet persons of diverse backgrounds on your journey. Do not judge them. Love them.

Meditate to find common ground with others.
Never stop searching for Truth.

Share in friends’ struggles (not just their triumphs). What we share can be a powerful, uniting force to create peace on this earth. A mind at peace, a mind focused on not harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe.

Unknown love infinitely, 
Mom

Read the original full post, and consider supporting the not-for-profit work of National Association of Mothers’ Centers in Washington, D.C.

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Clean Food on a Budget – Ten Tips to Get You Started

February 29, 2012 By 4 Comments

Today’s post is from new (welcome Sara!) contributing author to Breathing In This Life, Sara Whitford.  Sara is a hard working, single mom that shows you how to feed your family on a budget – safely, organically, and free of dangerous “frankenfood,” artificial or genetically altered foods.

It wasn’t too long ago that I finally reached the tipping point of information about the countless dangers in America’s mainstream food supply, forcing me to decide for my family that we were going to clean up our eating habits.  Pesticides I knew about. GMOs, on the other hand, were new to me. I had heard of them, but didn’t realize just how dangerous they were to our health.

After I discovered just how insidious GMOs are in our food supply, I realized I had to do something. I refuse to risk my little boy’s future health, or my own.

This was no longer a matter of, “Well, that’s nice, if you can afford it.” Now it was about me being furious at the thought how corrupt the system is, that we have been duped for nearly two decades into thinking that we’re buying real food in our grocery stores, when in fact, we’re buying frankenfoods that aren’t fit to be eaten by man or beast — crops that not only wreck the environment, but they rob us of our personal health, as well, all the while lining the pockets of the corporate and government bigwigs who have made all of this the American way of life.

My decision to make the exodus from frankenfood slavery to real food freedom was my way of fighting back and defending my family’s health and well-being. I was resolute, but now I had to learn how to make it a reality on my limited budget. I am a single, work-at-home mom. I also homeschool my son. My finances are tight, for sure.

Nevertheless, I’ve learned that clean eating can be done — even on a budget. It will require making some sacrifices here and there, and it will also require prioritizing.

Here are ten tips to get you started…

  1. First, know what you’re looking for — and what you want to avoid.
    • The top GMO crops are: corn, soy, rapeseed (canola), rice, sugar beets (sugar, unless it specifically says ‘Cane Sugar’) and some varieties of crookneck squash and zucchini. Avoid any products that include those ingredients unless they either say “USDA Organic” or unless they bear the Non-GMO Project Verified logo.
    • The ‘Dirty Dozen’ of fresh produce are: apples, celery, strawberries, peaches, spinach, nectarines (imported), grapes (imported), sweet bell peppers, potatoes, blueberries, lettuce, kale/collard greens. If you buy these items, be sure and buy organic.
  2. Prioritize your spending to avoid the GMO or Dirty Dozen items. That means, if you’re buying produce that isn’t on the Dirty Dozen list, get the non-organic versions of those items and save your money for the must-have organics.
  3. Don’t fall into a trap! The ‘All-Natural’ or ‘Organic’ trap, that is. Don’t waste your money on products with misleading labeling. If you shop around, you’ll probably find the real thing costs just slightly more.
    • Just because something says ‘Natural’ doesn’t mean it’s healthy. For example, some of the big chicken factory farms now slap the ‘All-Natural’ label on their packages of chicken. According to the USDA website, ‘Natural’ simply means, “A product containing no artificial ingredient or added color and is only minimally processed.” The poor chickens may still be shot up with antibiotics and are most certainly fed on GMO feed.
    • The same sort of caution must be applied to items labeled as ‘Organic.’ If they boast the product is Organic, but don’t feature the USDA Organic label, just skip it. Often, a processed food manufacter will slap ‘Organic’ in big letters by the product name, and then in much smaller letters you’ll see that only one or two of the ingredients are organic, while it’s still chock-full of GMO invisible ingredients.
  4. Prioritize your spending, period. If you eat out a lot, you’re getting heavy doses of all degrees of GMOs and pesticides everywhere you go — unless you’re fortunate enough to live in an area with countless organic cafes all around. Eating out generally costs more than preparing food at home. You may be surprised at how much more is in your budget if you cut back on your restaurant trips as much as possible. It’ll free up quite a bit of money to stock your kitchen with healthier items, and the quality and flavor of the food will be better — not only because it will be real food, but because you made it with love for your family.
  5. Plant a garden! Spring is almost here, so now’s the time to take matters into your own hands — literally! If you’re fortunate enough to have room to plant a vegetable garden, you might want to watch this documentary for ideas on how to grow the most nutrient-dense fruits and vegetables in an earth-friendly, organic way. Live in the city? Don’t be discouraged! Even in the smallest spaces, you can still grow healthy food for your family. Enjoy it fresh in season, and take up freezing and canning for the cooler months.
  6. Find a Whole Foods or a Trader Joe’s. Both stores have bountiful options at reasonable prices for GMO-free foods. In particular, Whole Foods 365 brand and Trader Joe’s name brand both promise their products are free of genetically modified ingredients. If the closest store is a few hours away, maybe you can make a trip there every few months to stock up on pantry staples and freezer fare.
  7. Shop Around. In the absence of dedicated organic/non-GMO grocers, shop around. You’ll find that one store may have cheaper organic dairy items, while another store has a good selection of organic breakfast cereals and snacks for the kids. Still another might carry your favorite brand of non-GMO corn meal or a better selection of organic meats and produce.
  8. Search for Local Farms that offer fresh, organic and/or non-GMO foods. There’s a good likelihood that somewhere within driving distance you’ll find a farm from which you can purchase organic beef, chicken, dairy or produce. It can be more cost effective to get organic foods this way, although you’ll need more money up front. Your savings will come by buying in bulk and cutting out the middle man. Start here to find farms in your area.
  9. Shop Online. One of my new favorite sources for organic items is Amazon.com. They have a really neat program called ‘Subscribe & Save‘ that lets you buy staple items in bulk at reduced prices if you subscribe for regular delivery. You can cancel at any time and the shipping is free if you are a member of Amazon Prime. Even if you aren’t a member of Prime, you can still get Free Super Saver Shipping on items over $25. If you try this, keep in mind they have this for food, and also health products and cosmetic items.
  10. Rethink portion sizes. Food portions have grown drastically over the last several decades. I have often heard my grandparents talk about how meat was a small portion on the plates in their farmhouse back in the 1950s and 60s. This was in spite of the fact that they raised hogs, chickens and even had a few cows. Where a reasonable sized portion of meat might be three or four ounces, nowadays, people expect six, or eight ounces. That’s a full cup of meat! If we cut back on our meat portion sizes, and increase the portions of other healthy and filling foods like legumes and whole grains, as well as fresh produce, we’ll be satiated and much healthier, to boot!

It can be done. Yes, it will cost a little more to make the switch, and it will require a little bit of homework on your part, but it’s nowhere near impossible.

Make incremental changes — you don’t have to do it all at once. You may be surprised how easy — and exhilarating — it is to make the switch. You’ll feel better to be truly nourishing your family with real food, and you’ll be making a difference as we, as consumers, change things with our pocketbooks. The more consumers swing towards organic and non-GMO products, the more options will be available at better prices in our supermarkets.

It’s all about prioritizing, and I would imagine that if you’ve read this far, the health and well-being of your family is important enough to you to seek out creative solutions to make it work. May you have a fruitful journey towards more healthful living!

Years ago, when I thought buying clean food was just about avoiding pesticides by choosing organic produce, and opting for more ethical meat and dairy choices (free range and/or grass fed) when possible, I would think to myself, “I’d like to shop that way, but it’s just too expensive.” Then, feeling defeated, rather than making small, incremental changes in how I stocked our kitchen, I would only occasionally buy the healthier choices (or what I thought were healthier choices), when they were on sale or at least not too much more than the mainstream option.

 

About the Author

Sara Whitford is a passionately hopeful and fiercely informed mother, magazine editor, and website developer.  She is a homeschool champion to her 8 year old son and a single parent who works diligently toward improving the planet for all our children. Sara feels blessed to make her home in an adorable North Carolina seaside community, where she is committed to growing her own fresh, organic vegetable garden this year. Read more about Clean Food at Sara’s blog, Sally Homemaker.

 

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The Healthiest Baby (and planet) You Can Grow

February 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment
The newest addition,
our littlest (organic)
pea in a pod.
October 31, 2011 (c)2011

Many of my friends are expecting now, just after my giving birth this past June.  I love babies and motherhood, it’s no secret (since I have 3 boys now).  So I take shopping for baby items seriously – whether for myself or for my mom-to-be girlfriends.

Today’s post is actually part of a gift I gave a girlfriend of mine just a few weeks ago. She is expecting her first in less than 6 weeks – so exciting! – and I noticed a few items on her baby registry that could be lurking with some toxic chemicals (aka something akin to Johnson and Johnson since they have come under fire for using toxic chemicals in their baby bath products).

We all know and have heard plenty, sometimes more than we want, about why going green is necessary. The risks of not (going green) include everything from cancer, ADHD, and hormonal imbalances in yourself or your baby, to global warming and ultimately – polluting the future planet our children will inherit.

Going green is not really an option anymore, it should be an urgent imperative for every family.  Like so many of my friends, myself included, going green means starting small and taking baby steps (no pun intended).

So, here is my letter to her, of course edited for your best interest and consumption.

My dear friend,

I hope you absorb all of this magical time you can. There is nothing as joyful as the first pregnancy. Nothing.

Here is some information to go along with your gift. When I was pregnant with Michael, I poured through the research on clean foods and baby products. I found more than I wanted to know – about petroleum based chemicals in baby wipes, and even shampoo and food! I also learned that children’s vitamins had saccharin, artificial flavoring and other dangerous and unnecessary chemicals in them. Read more

The solution is clean food and green baby products – no funny stuff or chemicals in them. So I searched until I found vitamins, baby wipes, diapers, bottles, and baby feeding supplies that were made with respect for the planet and with care for the fragile nature of tiny developing humans. ;)

I wanted to share a bit of this info. with you – since things as benign as baby wipes can be toxic – once you read the label and realize what the company has put into them.

Save Money, Simplify your Daily Routine, and Save The Planet all at the same time.

These actions can include:

  • Stop buying paper products (except toilet paper of course).  Okay, so occasionally I buy tissues (aka Kleenex) when there are snotty noses in the house. But other than that, we buy nothing disposable – no paper towels, paper plates, throw away cups or cleaning products, etc. Things like that. That means cloth diapering as well.  It’s a controversial topic, but from everything I read (and I’ve been following the cloth/disposable controversy since 2005) – says that unless you have a water shortage, cloth is better. Right now my cloth diapers are getting ready to experience their third go round, so they are under construction for repair, so to speak. But we have gotten fantastic mileage out of them, and compared with disposables, our babies had less diaper rash with cloth and they also were potty trained sooner.
  • Avoid GMO’s and other harmful substances. Rodale press (green press) really is a fantastic hot spot for the latest information on all things organic and green parenting. Here is this morning’s fantastic review on: 7 things to evict from your baby’s diaper bag.
  • Do not buy, I repeat, do not buy anything with these Toxic Ten in them. It’s not easy, but there’s nothing more to it than reading labels. Carefully.  Currently, until laws change, label reading is the only defense (or offense) we as consumers have to protect our families from dangerous chemicals.  

Here are a few more links:

  • Hidden dangers in baby wipes, bottles, and more…How to choose healthiest versions for baby.
    I used cloth diapers (Fuzzi Bunz) and made my own (easy!) cloth wipes and solution.  But this article gives alternatives for moms who choose not to or cannot cloth diaper or make their own wipes.
  • Excellent resource for latest information in green (and safer) living: http://rodalepress.com/.  You can sign up for their free newsletter, which outlines the latest research and findings for healthy living, food, environment, and fitness. Most important, they are usually the first (independent and not for profit agency at that) to report on dangerous chemicals found in baby toys, foods, etc. Their mantra is “Where Health meets Green.”
  • The New Good Life:  http://www.johnrobbins.info/the-new-good-life/.  A book about eco-friendly and safer (better) living for everyone on the planet.  Through searching on the web over the last 6 years, I have found a sustainable substitute for just about every baby product a parent will need during the first 5 years.  I have found many other resources on healthy versions of things pediatricians regularly recommend.For example, if you breast feed, your MD is likely to recommend Vitamin D drops. Well, I recently went to the drugstore to find the D drops that were recommended to me by a pediatrician. The drops that are front and center on drugstore shelves are full of preservatives and artificial flavorings. I could not imagine giving my baby such a toxic brew when he’s fresh, new, and has a real start at a healthy life.   So – I did some homework and found a substitute Vitamin D for the preservative-riddled vitamin D on drugstore shelves. It is (simply) vitamin D3 and coconut oil (what a relief).  Of course, it is up to moms (and dads) to read labels and discern what is best for their child.  The other option for parents are to forgo the supplements, such as the Vitamin D drops. However this argument is a drop in the well of many controversies on raising baby.Anyhow – not to overwhelm you – but as you know, you are your biggest advocate for yours and your baby’s best health. The western system of medicine can sometimes be guilty of practicing medicine based on patient (or practitioner) convenience rather than what is best or evidence based – and this short sighted model is typically and overwhelmingly not planet or people friendly (or sustainable in the long run).I do hope this helps and encourages you. It’s truly my passion to help moms and babies have their best, most natural, most gentle start. 
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Parenting: Do You Fit In?

March 9, 2011 By Leave a Comment

This past week as I was getting my usual daily allowance of news (online) and doing a little light research for work I ran across this article on parenting in the “Healthland” section of Time Magazine.  From reading its title - “Does Having Kids Make Parents Delusional?” – I (mistakenly) thought it was an article based on solid science of finding work and life balance in parenting.  But boy-oh-boy – was I ever wrong.

The “Healthland” section of Time features the subheading description, “A Healthy Balance of the Mind, Body, and Spirit.”  Yet at one point the the writer, a senior columnist at Time magazine, compares the futility of raising children to “the same reason you keep spending money to fix up an old car when it just doesn’t work — or keep investing in the same company when it’s failing. Humans throw good money after bad all the time.” Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/#ixzz1G1P1Aj6c

I am willing to bet many other people feel the same way I do when I say – the author has clearly forgotten that he is, in fact, someone’s child. The child of a couple who made sacrifices, out of love, to raise him. The child of a couple who probably realized that life is not just about a series of easy successes, won without hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. The child of a couple who at some point realized that life is not just about chasing your own selfish desires.

But the author goes on write, “Our national fantasy about the joys of parenting permeates the culture…Does this mean you shouldn’t have kids? Yes — but you won’t.” Writing an article with derogatory overtones against families in America (not to mention that Time would even publish such a nonsensical article – being that Time would not even exist if it wasn’t for the parents who conceived the idea, the business, and the people that work there) – reveals a sad and disheartening fact about America today…

If Americans think like this writer, then we are ironically in danger of becoming, if we are not already, a culture of snotty nosed, self-centered, intolerant brats.  

Fitting In?

Who would want to fit into a culture that tries to invalidate the miraculous and beautiful responsibility of raising up the future of our Nation? Hopefully no one, because if we did, we would eventually cease to exist.  Any remaining existence would be built upon self-centered action fueled completely by an individual’s desire to succeed – without any regard for the well being of the greater good.  We would see a world where only self-ambition was counted as worthy or valuable.

Full Circle Attitude(s)

Parenting is worthwhile and necessary.  Cradled in the arms of mothers and fathers – across this country – you will find the future of this Nation.  President Obama, in his inaugural address, addressed parenting and the inherent value of American family directly – calling it a “public service.” Here is the full quote: 
“As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment – a moment that will define a generation – it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.”
“For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.”

So do you fit in as a parent? as a mother? as a father? According to the science used in the article not only do you not fit into current culture, but you (as a parent) are so delusional that you overestimate the joys and rewards of parenting.

The author says that instead, you should be pursuing your own wants and desires and hire end of life care (its cheaper than having children) rather than becoming “suckered” into becoming a parent.

However I believe, just as I would guess most all parents do, that giving birth to and nurturing this fragile human life – is not only a worthwhile task – but is the most important job and privileged responsibility to which we will ever commit ourselves. Fitting in is not even a question – since through raising children we determine the future of America.

The Yoga of Parenting

Rising above the  need to “fit in” is a timely lesson we can all learn in the Yoga of Parenting (which also applies to this nice young senior writer at Time, who probably is not a parent).

  • Act deliberately for positive change. There is no time to waste, it is later than it seems. Parents can say with confidence, “I’m working for positive change in this world. What are you doing?”  Or to borrow from the screenplay in the movie, The Departed, “I’m the guy doing my job…you must be the other guy.”  There is no time to fruitlessly contribute to any movement which does not seek positive change or that tears down the inherent value and worth in others.
  • Everyone has worth.  Building up the parents of this nation – will build up the children of this nation – which will ultimately strengthen us all. 
  • Surround yourself with supportive people.  Be encouraged by other parents who genuinely feel positive about parenting and take their responsibility seriously. Nurturing the next responsible generation cannot be invalidated by a single person, organization, or even a wayward nation. 
  • Practice what we preach. Our actions speak louder than words – and our children are watching.  Practice meditation, self-reflection, prayer, deep breathing, and/or what grounds you as a parent – to keep your focus on what is most important. Otherwise, we can get sidetracked with what the world says is valuable – career status, financial wealth, the size of our home(s), the make/model of our car, or where we vacation.
  • Stay positive. Parents, be encouraged in your dedication to your children.  You are appreciated by those who do know that children are our most valuable resource, as well as the delight of our heart.  
  • Have an attitude of gratitude. Thank all the parents you know who you see day in and day out – doing their best and making sacrifices so that the world can be a better place for everyone. Thank them for being wise enough to recognize that their children determine our collective future.

A comment from one parent…”I raise my children for my children and for the future of the world, not for me.  I enjoy the benefits of parenthood that the author speaks about as an illusion…if in fact most of the world does think like this author, then we are on our way out as citizens of this planet.” What do you think?

*photo taken on my sons’ first family outing to Washington D.C. July 2010

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Cultivating Compassion in Children

December 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment
This week’s guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part Two in a series on Compassionate Parenting.  

We all want a more compassionate world, but how do we help to make it that way? Guiding the next generation in compassion ensures a better future for us all. Here are some ways to begin cultivating compassion in the children under your care.

Be loving and compassionate with your children. 

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame, studies empathy and moral development.  She tells us that children need to be held and to have their needs met to develop the neural responses necessary to feel for others. “Part of what is being shaped by caregiver touch and responsivity is the neuroendocrine system, which plays a large role in managing stressful situations and bonding to others throughout life.”
Bruce Perry, child trauma expert and psychiatrist tells us, “Babies are born with two important skills that prepare them for empathy –the ability to imitate facial gestures and the automatic response in which the cries of other infants cause them to cry as well.” Both of these actions involve mirror neurons.  These cells fire when we perform an activity and they fire when we see someone else perform an activity, but less intensely. Someone else’s smile or tears triggers a response in our brains.  This response enables us to feel another’s pain or joy.

Help your child learn to read emotions on faces.

Make happy, sad and mad faces at your baby and name them for her.  Show her picture books that focus on simple feelings. At 1-2 years, when your baby is frowning say, “You look sad”. This helps her to know her inner world which is necessary to feeling what someone else feels. As your child reaches 2-3 years, ask her to make faces for the emotions you name, extend the feelings to include surprised, excited, hurt, and scared. While reading together, look at the illustrations and identify the feelings of the characters.  As the stories get more complex, ask what the character feels and why she or he might feel that way. Also ask if your child remembers feeling this way. Extend this to your day to day living. When you see a child at the park get hit, ask your child what he thinks that child is feeling.  Ask what you might do to make the child feel better.

Help your child act compassionately.

Your compassionate acts will have the most influence on your child learning to act with compassion. Also help your child to perform his own compassionate acts. Ask him to draw a picture or give a gift of something he knows someone else would like and give it.
Keep in mind that children under 18 months are unable to determine a different desire than their own. A study by Repacholi and Gotnick gave children bowls containing either broccoli or goldfish.  The children preferred the goldfish. Researchers made faces expressing disgust with goldfish and a like of broccoli.  When the researchers asked for more of the food they liked, the children instead gave them the food they themselves enjoyed (broccoli or goldfish) until the children were 18 months of age. Children not only need to identify feelings to develop compassion, they need to see that others may have different viewpoints than they themselves have. 

Help your children be mindful of good acts at every age. 

In my grade 2-3 religious education class, children recorded their good acts in a small notebook. Then in class each child placed a gem in a jar for each good act they performed and each act they witnessed someone else perform. Giving gems for seeing someone else perform a good act serves as a model for the child, someone to imitate. When the jar was full of jewels, we had a party to celebrate. This was one of their favorite activities.  I also told them to observe the receiver of the kind act’s facial and bodily response, to see how their kind acts affect others. This would serve as an immediate reward.

Encourage schools, clubs and places of worship to provide opportunities.

Help make dinner at a shelter, collect canned goods, clothes, baby items, etc. Older children will find projects more meaningful if they have input into which organizations to help. Our older Girl Scouts voted to help the animal rescue league and to collect books for flooded libraries.
When we parent to cultivate compassion in our children, we produce beings who are able to feel what others feel and to act on their behalf. If all over the world parents united in this cause, we could assure a more compassionate world – a legacy for all our children.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.
The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations. The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1.   D. P. F. Montague  & Walker-Andrews, A. S. Mothers, Fathers, and Infants: The Role of Familiarity and Parental Involvement in Infants’ Perception of Emotion Expressions. Child Development, 73, No. 5, 1339-1352. 2002.
2.   Narvaez, Darcia, Why Do Kids Who Are Held and Cuddled Become More Empathetic Adults?
Darcia Narvaez Answers. Oct.5, 2010. 
3.   Bruce Perry, M.D.,Ph.D.and Maia Szalavitz,  Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered, William Morrow, 2010.  page 21.
4.   Repacholi, B., and Gotnick, A. Early Reasoning about Desires: Evidence from 14- and 18-month-olds. Developmental Psychology, 33, 12-21. 1997.

*photo is of Ginger and her second son in 2008.

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Compassionate Parenting (Part One in a Two Part Series)

November 23, 2010 By Leave a Comment

 
This week’s guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part One in a series on Compassionate Parenting. 
To parent with compassion is to feel what your child is feeling and to respond out of strength and well-being with a caring heart and mind.
One word bubbles to the top when trying to define the most important aspects of compassionate parenting– listening. True listening involves our eyes, ears and our attention. Listening in compassionate parenting involves our hearts and minds as well. In order to parent compassionately we listen to ourselves as well as to our children. The information we receive allows us to respond with love and respect for both ourselves and our children.
Listening to our children involves more than hearing their words or cries, but also attuning to their body movements, facial expressions and emotions. If our infant turns away from us, squirms or pushes us, he is asking us to stop what we are doing. If our child is playing quietly with Legos, we should enter quietly and ask to join in or simply sit to the side and watch.  If our child is bouncing off the walls, we need to understand what her body is telling us and take her outside to run around before expecting her to sit for an extended time. 
Compassionate parenting understands a child’s development. I remember finding my 4-year-old daughter’s name written on our wall in a child’s beginning printing style. When asked who had done it, my daughter replied, “Raffi did it.” Raffi was our dog. Pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton tells us that all 4-year-olds lie.
If all four year olds lie, do we punish our child for normal developmental behavior? Or do we step into those little 4-year-old shoes and understand why the child lied. Child development tells us that the child at this age confuses fact and fantasy. Therefore our compassionate reaction would be to tell her that we understand why she said what she did and begin simple discussions on truth and fiction. All the while we guide her as she develops a conscience. As our child grows, we use reasoning to help her think about how her actions affect others. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., professor of psychology, points to research that shows that “parents who use induction and reasoning raise children who are better adjusted and more likely to help their peers. This style of parenting seems to nurture the basic tools of compassion.”
Compassionate parenting means we must also have compassion for ourselves. Parenting is challenging at times and even those who truly love the job benefit from time away. A little break may help us to grow, to come back with a new outlook to share and perhaps with a new appreciation for the noisiness that is family. Compassion for ourselves means we don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to give 100% of ourselves to everyone else. Compassion means we feel what the other person feels; we respond out of respect and love, but we do not allow ourselves to be drained of self. We come from a strong place of knowing ourselves first. We all have to have our needs taken into account to be part of a healthy family.
Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and co-author of Parenting from the Inside Out, tells us that to be compassionate we must have theory of mind (an ability to perceive and understand the inner experience of another person), self-knowledge, and flexibility in our responses. Well developed executive functions help us to evaluate and override our initial emotional response to a situation. During a temper tantrum, telling ourselves,” I am getting angry because I am embarrassed, but tantrums are a normal part of child development” helps us to take an intentional approach, not an emotional approach to the situation. And when our child is finished with his emotional release, we can say compassionately, “I know it’s hard when we can’t have what we want. And someday you won’t need to take tantrums.”
Compassionate parenting, listening and putting ourselves in our child’s shoes does not mean, spoiling. Babies can not be spoiled. It is okay to love them and attend to their needs totally. Older children need limits. T. Berry Brazelton tells us that a spoiled child is a child looking for limits. A child needs to have limits set in order for him to navigate the world, form relationships with others and to become part of a family and the larger community.
Human beings are neurally wired to form relationships. Research by Eisenberger and Lieberman shows that feelings of rejection, exclusion, and distance activate the same neural processes as physical pain. In order to be healthy, we need to learn how to be with others. Research done at Emory University indicates that when we help people, it activates the reward centers in our brains. We can lead our child to discover that helping others feels good. In order to do this, we have to help our child see outside of his own self-interest and into the needs of other people. This is the beginning of connected relationships, the beginning of compassion.

The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations.

The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net


Sources
  1. Lieberman, M. D., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2005). A pain by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate in social and physical pain. In J. T. Cacioppo, P. Visser, & C. Pickett (Eds.), Social Neuroscience: People Thinking About People (pp. 167-187). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
  2. T.Berry Brazelton, M.D., Touchpoints The Essential Reference
  3. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., Parenting from the Inside Out 
  4. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., The Compassionate Instinct, Spring 2004, http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/archive/2004springsummer/keltner_spring04.pdf
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The Yoga of Compassionate Parenting

October 29, 2010 By 4 Comments

I am learning that parenting gets more difficult, in different ways, as my children grow and develop.  Whereas in the early years I was sleep deprived and physically exhausted, now that they are growing beyond toddler”dom” – I have regained my former energy and zip (well, maybe not all of it, but pretty close to all of it).

However, while I don’t have to exert as much physical effort – the emotional and intellectual requirements are stiffly increasing.

It won’t be long before a simple kiss and hug won’t fix their boo-boo’s.  I already have to think more, communicate better – and in short, I am having to learn how to be a master negotiator.  Pulitzer Prize nominee Ann Crittenden writes of this in her book, If You’ve Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything, which asserts that more women should be managerial executives – as a result of, not in spite of, their experience in child rearing.

Parenting, I am learning, is not a dictatorship.  Sure, I can run one of those for a time, but after a while – ordering them around not only won’t work, but it will, I believe, backfire.  It may create forced good behavior for a time, but it will not build a mutually respectful and meaningful relationship with my children. And that’s exactly the type I want – a parent/child relationship with deep, loving roots.

One of my spiritual mentors told me once that he and his wife set a goal in raising their children, and he encouraged all parents to do the same.  Their goal as parents was to “raise their children so that they would want to come back and visit them one day.”  Although on the surface it sounds trite – it really is a genius mission statement for parenting.

I never forgot his words. When my children were born, my husband and I adopted the same mission statement. If it was good enough for my spiritual mentor, I reasoned it was good enough for us.

Getting back to parenting. I am struggling.  I have to admit that, and if you asked any parent and they were honest, they would admit the same.  We all struggle as parents. I am not sure how to handle or how I will handle my childrens’ increasingly complex (and very different) personalities. I don’t want to make a mistake and leave emotional scars – so sometimes I am paralyzed with fear – not sure whether or not I am making the right decision(s) as a parent.

Since my children were born I have been steadily buying and reading books on parenting.  It started with books on the anthropology of parenting, which really got me thinking about how the American way was NOT the only way and by far not the BEST way (in many cases). 

After educating myself about anthropology, and with my background in neuroscience and pediatric physiological development, I realized I wanted a more compassionate approach to parenting, which led me to some of the books and resources you’ll find below.  But first, let me introduce a wonderful new person I have recently met, albeit virtually, online.  She is an advocate, not just about compassionate parenting, but for compassionate thinking and world peace. 

Her name is Dr. Riane Eisler.  She is a longtime women’s advocate and is co-founder of the Center for Partnership Studies and SAIV.   The organizations are dedicated to “building a culture of gender and racial equity, economic justice, and sustainable environment,” and stopping violence, respectively.

A few weeks ago I sat down with Dr. Eisler during a webinar on Caring Economics.  The webinar was very informative and has underscored my own mission as a women’s activist. Afterwards, I began to study Dr. Eisler’s sites and learned more about her work.  I realized that my passion for being a better parent had a lot to do with Dr. Eisler’s work. 

As a parent, If I discuss parenting in “yogic” (which has nothing to do with religion) terms – I would describe my desires for parenting like this:

I want my children to grow up in a safe environment without fear of violence or discrimination – and with well balanced physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health.  In other words, I want to parent non-violently and compassionately within a koshic model. 

And so – in simple terms – using that model means that I teach them, on a daily basis, that with our two hands – we can accomplish great things – like taking care of the planet, helping others, and helping ourselves.  Dr. Eisler’s is working to carry that message across the globe, and it has been recognized and endorsed by many people.

It is in researching Dr. Eisler’s sites that I came across a parenting guide she has endorsed.  The Caring and Connected Parenting Guide, which has also been endorsed by renowned pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Nobel Peace Prize Laureates Desmond Tutu and Betty Williams, pediatrician Laura Jana, psychiatrist and author Daniel Siegel.

I hope you will enjoy reading and using the guide as much as I have. Download the free Caring and Connected Parenting Guide

Other Resources:

Building Cultures of Peace
Investing in our Human Infrastructure

Dr. Brazelton’s book, Touchpoints
Birth to 3
3-6

Dr. Siegel’s book, Parenting from the Inside Out

Dr. Jana’s books

Dr. Sear’s and Martha Sear’s Book on Early Parenting (This book challenges the typically accepted American status quo on early parenting. I loved it, and so did my kids.):
Attachment Parenting

Green Mothering and Parenting
Natural Family Living, by Mothering Magazine’s Peggy O’Mara

*Photo was taken of me and my oldest son, who loves to give me flowers on an (almost) daily basis.

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